It’s Tuesday morning, and we’ve made it through the first 5 days of treatment for CMV and EBV. Actually, they gave me Saturday evening and all of Sunday off, so that was nice. I finished the IVIG on Saturday, so now all I get is the foscarnet twice a day. The doses are spaced 10 hours apart, so I come here at 7:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. for about 3-4 hours each time. I get to go home in between.
I haven’t experienced any side effects from the foscarnet, but it’s a drag to get up so early. Granted, I used to get up at 5:45 to be at work by 7:00, but over the past 2 months, I’ve become used to sleeping in. Today they put me in a room with a bed, so I slept another couple of hours here at the ITA. Come to think of it, I might just catch a few more winks when I’m done with this post.
Some of you have asked when I’m coming home. The short answer is I don’t know for sure. It depends on my cell counts going up into the normal ranges and holding steady, and these viruses being treated successfully. My best guess at this point is at least another three weeks.
That’s all the news I can think of for now. I miss my wife, even though she was just here for the weekend. I miss my home. I miss my friends.
Hi Todd,
I don’t have words to offer you–I’ve just read all the inspiring, encouraging, loving comments you have received and they really do say it all. If I feel like beating my head against the wall, I’m sure you are way beyond that. But despite what I “feel,” I am going to choose to trust a loving Father even in this.
Rest, restore, exercise, continue to watch for those special moments God sends your way to bless you and through you to bless those around you.
We love you and are STILL PRAYING!
Aunt Bev
Your friends miss you as well and plan all sorts of FEASTS with DAIRY to celebrate your return!
hi. we miss you too. more than you know. so 3 weeks huh. we’ll be counting down the days…
rest up while you can. sleep in, takes naps in the ITA and on the couch cause when you get back it’s gonna be party central! i’m serious-just like darcy said. there’ll be dairy, lotsa beef and brownie bites of course
can’t wait to see you in your environment. in your comfy house, in your beautiful neighborhood surrounded by those of us who love you.
HUGS!
-rose
God bless you…. I will be praying for you here in Colorado. I’m praying that your reunion with your wife, church family and your own home will be overwhelmingly sweet and refreshing. Perservere, and we will keep praying for you.
Todd & Jen -
This weekend I am going to be preaching on the topic of miracles – Sophia is getting dedicated this Sunday.
I’ve experienced God do miracles before. Not as often as I’d like… but I can not deny that I’ve experienced them. Nonetheless, on Sunday I will be sharing a miracle that God did in my life. Although it has no direct impact on you… the lesson I learned still applies.
Below, you will find a letter that I wrote to my friend Barb, Christmas – 2003.
Dear Barb –
Last September, I woke up one morning with an unusually sore elbow. I really thought nothing of it, except all day long it got more and more painful. In addition, it began to turn red and became very swollen. You would think, I might get concerned, but (at that point) I just put it off and ignored it. That night, I couldn’t sleep because it was so painful. By then, it had turned very red, swollen, and hot.
Finally, at midnight of the second day, I finished up my janitorial work and was in a lot of pain. As a result, I stopped by the emergency room on my way home. As it turns out, I was probably bitten by some sort of bug and my elbow and become badly infected.
To make a long story short, I ended up having to get x-rays to see if the bone had become infected, my arm was immobilized, and then I was given antibiotics. (Because of the severity of the infection, I was then) required to make a second trip to a doctor, 24 hours later, to make sure things were improving.
So, you’re probably asking (yourself), “Why are you telling me all of this?” Well, at the time, I was uninsured and that was a big part of the reason I didn’t go to the doctor sooner. When I entered the hospital, I told them over and over that I had no insurance and that I couldn’t (afford to) pay a lot. However, rather then telling me to go down the street to the Public Hospital where the maximum bill would have been about $20.00, they told me not to worry about the finances. Well, I (surely) began to worry about them when a bill for over $600.00 came in the mail.
Trying not to freak out, I prayed that God would help me remain calm… and then I called the hospital’s administrative offices. Over the next few days calls went back and forth as I tried to get some sort of resolution. To be honest, it was not the fact that I had to pay the bill that bothered me; it was the fact that it was just one more blow… at a time when I already felt pretty beat up.
About a week later, I was opening my mail and the first thing I came to was a letter from the hospital. I opened it and read that they had reviewed my case, and had determined to cut my bill to an even $300.00. As I finished reading the letter, I set it down and literally said out loud, “Well that’s great Lord, but where am I going to get $300.00? The very next thing I did was open your envelope… enclosed was a check for $300.00!
With the check, you included a note asking… “God was very specific about the amount – add a little extra to make $300.00. Any reason for that amount exactly?”
There certainly was… My spirits were immediately lifted. It was as if God spoke directly to me, through you, to say, “Eric, I know times are tough, but I will carry you through this.” God is so amazing and awesome!
Merry Christmas
Eric
Todd & Jen… We worship the very same God!
Babe,
I miss you too. I know you are wearing thin from the daily visits to the ITA. I know it seems pointless to stay in Palo Alto, and at times only a reminder of an outcome we did not desire. I completely understand being away from each other and the loneliness felt despite being surrounded by loving friends and family. But, hold on!! God has given us this break as if they were rays of sunshine breaking through the dark clouds. Look forward to coming home to experience one of God’s biggest blessing to us, the true love and grace given by our church family and dear friends who miss you so much. For now, continue keeping on with as much positivity as possible. I will pray for the patience
I love you! XOXOXOX
Todd…is that just the sweetest message from Jen? Dude, you got a keeper for sure
. I think you are tired because you are going into hibernation. You have to hibernate now because when you re-enter Sac you are going to need a skinny bear hunger with all the feasts that are being planned for you! Much love, and rest, and we will keep trying to sneak Jen back to you as much as possible to bring you the XOXOs mentioned above 
We all miss you too. When I tell Karen about things we’ve done together and had a good laugh she always says “I can totally hear him snickering. When I think of you trying to explain things and using hand gestures, there are some pretty funny sounds that accompany those gestures. Some sounds are just to hard to spell out
Look forward to your return my friend, from all of the posts here I am sure everyone else is looking forward to that day as well. Hang in there big guy.
Much love and blessings
Sean
Todd-
We are praying for your cell counts to return to normal as fast as possible and for the viruses to be completely resolved. We are eager for you to come home and rest.
I know how hard it can be to be away from home. When Drew was born he spent four weeks in the NICU at UCSF and another six weeks at UCD. Even the four weeks in SF was a long time to live in someone else’s house, with someone else’s stuff, despite our efforts to bring comforts from home. By the time we came home we were so grateful to sleep in our own bed! You will be home soon!
hey todd. happy 4th of july! woohoo party! not sure if you’ll still go to the ITA today since it’s a holiday but i know it won’t be fun either way.
we’re getting ready here at our place for sean’s ordination/fourth party. the yard looks good, all the toys are put away and the sun tea is in the works.
i’m thinking about you because normally you and jen would be showing up early (typically first!) and hanging out before the crowds hit. i’ll miss you today. we all will. please know i’ll be thinking of you today and wishing you were here.
i guess jen’s coming over after work. i’ll be hugging her twice and taking good care of her for you.
just like jen said-stay positive! everything happens for a reason.
much love,
rose
Todd – Looking forward to having you back at home in a few weeks! Keep showing us how it’s done. I’m praying for you and it’s an honest encouragement to me to see you keeping at it!
Dear Todd,
Earlier today, as I went about doing the few little things I do during treatment/recovery, I reread the last chapter of He Still Moves Stones, by Max Lucado. The author references 1 Cor. 1:26 and urges his readers to: record your drama, retell your saga, plot your journey. He then goes on to say to share your story. Not with everyone, but with someone. For some reason your name came to mind. I am going out on a limb here (no pun intended), but will; simply because I am desparate to learn how to discern the voice of God.
(you may skip to the bottom if this is not where you want to go, but why not)
With that being said you might then decipher that my walk with Christ has been brief. It has. I’ve spent most of my life pursing things of the flesh. Selfishness was my bedfellow. As a young boy my parents did what any respecting parent would do; get the children to church. I was raised in the catholic faith, and to some this may answer quite a bit, but suffice it to say that when I was taught communion {(2nd grade(?)}, I felt a change. When I look back I see that the Holy Spirit planted a seed, and much of the “front seat” I was always apart of, was simply a gift from God.
Our family drifted from the church as most of us entered high school. With 3 brothers, and two sisters my parents had their hands full. Being of a wild bunch each new stunt seemed to trump the previous. My oldest brother, one summer day, dragged me to the high school to join the football team. This pudgie, lazy boy was soon to be a freshman, and family tradition was football! I didn’t even put up a fight, I knew it was inevitable.
As a lowly freshman I was quickly ushered up to status, not on my behalf, but due to an older brother, and sister who had left quite an impression. When the most popular senior invited me to the Sadie-Hawkins dance I soon became the envy of many young men. Couple this with being a standout in football, it took all of me to keep from losing myself. Well, eventually it went to my head. I ran with the fast crowd, in the opposite direction of Christ, and lost myself to alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity. The next 14 years of my life was marred with agony.
At a point so low I couldn’t resist, my older brother, now a born again believer, dragged me to his church. I answered the call, was baptized and (too) quickly ushered into service. I was so excited about my new life I gave into every need there seemed to be. I became so overwhelmed……I quit going. It didn’t take long, and I was back to my old behavior. Trouble ensued, and I was forced by the law to get help. I was in and out of AA for a couple of years when it took, and I found sobriety. I wonder if God’s mercy extends to them because, probably for the first time, they admit there is a higher power. After a year of sobriety I wrote a letter to God asking if he would give me a wife, and a whole new life. His response was quick. I met my wife of 19 years (praise to God), started a family, and my own business.
Sounds like I’m on the road to everlasting joy, and fulfullment, but hardly so. In hindsight I believe God was telling me not start the business, but I wouldn’t believe it to be God, and did it anyway. It took almost 7 years to replace my income as any employee, and the debt accrued seemed ensurmountable. I worked day, night, and most weekends. I did not raise my children in the church. We went on rare occasion, but our financial needs seemed to trump my need for worship. BIG MISTAKE!!!!! I can’t emphasize this more. As I continued to slave for (my) business, not our business, it started to show it’s first profits in 1997. In 2004 we grossed $2.5M in sales with 35 employees, and I was working from home. Back then I would have thought that this was what I was grappling for, yet something was wrong. I was still struggling to meet payroll, my children were running the wrong way, and my wife was falling into despair because I was playing around with alcohol again. I can’t believe it. What will it take to get my head on straight.
I remember distinctely praying to God to please do something, or else He was going to lose me. What was I thinking? Do I dare test God. What an idiot. The feeling of being this lost, and hopeless is hard to describe. I didn’t care if I lived or died. In fact, I cursed the day I was born, even before I knew Job had stated it in Job 3:1-3.
Before you know it I was at the doctors office to see why my neck was swelling. I was diagnosed with CLL. My lymphocyte count was 178,000. (Oh my, you mean hitting your late forties doesn’t feel like this). I guess not. I was stage 2/3 CLL. Believe it or not this was the least of my problems. My business, our only source of income, started to collapse for a number of reasons (divine reasons I’ll claim now). My daughter, behavior too irrational to ignore, was diving deep into metha-amphetimines. Oh God, what have I done? Duuuhhhh!!!!! Yet I couldn’t see. I was blind. We lost our home. The business collapsed, my daughter: frequently running away. What else could go wrong?
Believe it or not I went into my first chemo treatment with a hangover. The last drink I have taken, September 14th, 2005, and by the Grace of our LOVING God, will be my last. During this week of chemo I read a book on healing sent to me by a dear Aunt wholly devoted to Jesus. During this time I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ. What I find striking was that with a clear head I knew that my only chance, my only hope of restoration was to fully commit myself to His Lordship. At that point and time He seemed to have filled me in on His plan. I’m not completely clear of the full plan, but knew I had to get connected with a church body. I now treat this with a great deal of importance.
I know that restoration could be immediate, mine isn’t (in human time), but I don’t think it should be because I have a big forgetter. Since then the business has collapsed, we lost our home, and my daughter was falling deeper. To further the pain, my only son was implicated in a felony residential burgulary. He was charged as a conspirator, and is on probation pending the completion of various things. We were looking at 6 years in the California Youth Authority.
I know, beyond any doubt, that I can not take my focus off of Jesus. Though I am “young” in my faith, I certainly don’t lack in experiences.
I visited your sight for the first time this morning, and have been completely humbled, bawling like a baby. I cry out to God, not because I am in pain, but because now I can feel His love. I turned 50 in E1, 5 days after the first dramatic dose of ATG. And to look at the positive side, I am going to be able to take a break. I am EXHAUSTED. My dad has my son, and am pleased to say God got his attention, too. My wife and I are together for another 6 weeks until she goes to work (something she did just to get us health care after 18 years of raising the family—-what a woman). I am encouraged by all of us that put up the fight of faith, and will continue to be hopeful no matter what comes our way.
The classic Psalm 23 is pretty special.
In His Love,
jeff
Hello from the beyond. I am back on the mountain. Plan to head home on Monday morning. Time to see if the boys have survived. I ended up spending Tuesday all day at the hospital with Dad. They drained 1400cc of fluid off Dad’s chest cavity. There is still about 700cc still there. We may schedule another day to do more but will have to see what the powers of be decide. Either way we will wait until I come back the end of the month. Unfortunately that means Dad lost 2 more pounds the hard way and so Jen has her work cut out to get the good kind of weight back on him. Although this morning when I came down to the cabin I found Dad and my brother eating the razzle dazzle pie we had for the holiday. Yesterday we had Grandma Marian’s baked beans and her fried chicken done in bacon grease. I only let the boys have it on the 4th and at Christmas. Any wonder the Smith’s have heart disease……..
Finished sorting all of the cabin stuff and have been updating a few items. Next project is a re-upholstery of some side chairs. I will save that one for tomorrow. Tonight we are going to watch “Freedom Writers”. I want Dad to see the movie so he knows more about what Paul will be doing. Paul said he plans to drive up and see you where ever you may be residing after his stint in Long Beach at the Freedom Writers Institute. I am glad he will have the opportunity. I am sure Grandma can use some reinforcements in keeping Grandpa in line. At least you will have someone you can finally beat in cards!
Know you are in our continued prayers.
Love,
Peace,
Aunt Dianne